For many years, I regarded the saying “life is hard” as meaningless — a sentiment that seemingly applied to many others but, curiously, not to me. I won the lottery by being born to a nurturing middle-class family in one of the most affluent cities of one of the world’s most affluent countries, Germany. How much more likely would it have been to be born into a rural family in China or Africa? And yet, here I was, enjoying a peaceful and carefree childhood, reaping the benefits of a society that was designed to support me.
It turns out that there is a reason why the saying has stood the test of time: because it is true. Everyone will inevitably get to a point in their lives when they are faced with seemingly unsurmountable obstacles. For someone unprepared like me it was an overwhelming experience that can best be compared to a powerful wave sucking you in, throwing you around in its vortex while you are grasping for air, showing no sign of ever letting you go. At its worst point you feel completely disoriented, not knowing how to even do the most basic things like getting up in the morning or eating a meal.
How do you get out of this? Here is an image that comes to mind: you are standing in front of a massive brick wall that needs to be broken down. The only utensil you have at your disposal for this task is a tiny teaspoon, one of those that accompanies these fancy English royal memorial cups. You have two options: give up or start scratching. The first attempts at destroying the wall seem ridiculous, your inner voice shouts at you to just leave it; you have no chance. Tiny crumbs of mortar are the only thing you manage to loosen, and your hand starts aching after a while. At the end of the day, you cannot see any trace of the work you have done.
The next morning you get up and continue scratching. And the day after. And the day after that. You numb your mind; you silence the voice inside of your head because you know it will try to stop you. A week goes by. A month goes by. Still, you cannot see anything. Then something happens: you feel that the surface you are scratching is changing. It is no longer even and hard, but it is more porous, and the teaspoon can loosen larger pieces of mortar inside the wall. Now, you can see tiny advances on a daily basis, and slowly a hole in the wall starts shaping up. One day, when you least expect it, sunlight starts to shine through the cracks in the wall, and you know that you can do it.
This is when you realize that all your earlier attempts – as futile as they felt at that time – are the reason for why you are succeeding now. Unfortunately, our brain is not very good at assessing the long-term impact of small changes in habits or behaviors. For some reason, our brain struggles to recognize gradual improvement because it is wired to focus on immediate survival rather than long-term gains. This is why it is so important to remind ourselves each day that every step – as small as it might be – matters.
This is particularly important when you find yourself in a personal crisis, triggered by family, financial, or health issues. The extreme stress resulting from it will make our brain go into survival mode, making us feel trapped or unable to respond. We start to visualize a dystopic future for ourselves and lose the energy to take even the tiniest steps. Breaking down the wall seems like an impossible task.
In order to regain control of our lives, small actions can break the paralysis. It starts with regulating your breathing through slow and deep breaths. This immediately will slow down your heart rate and make you feel more relaxed. Moving your body is essential to decrease stress hormones. A full workout is not even necessary; even walking around in your house while tensing and relaxing your muscles can help. Lastly, focusing on the smallest actions instead of the long-term outcomes is essential: this could be as simple as getting a bite to eat or writing an email. I found it to be harmful to think about anything else than the immediate short-term as any thoughts about the future are bound to be negative due to the conditioning of our brain and nervous system.
While most likely all of us will face some Greek-level tragedy during our lifetimes (or more than one), many of us will enter them unprepared. This applies particularly to someone like me who has grown up in privilege, where the training ground for hardship is (luckily) limited. A person who has faced adversity from an early age might develop coping skills that someone like me lacks. While you can acquire theoretical knowledge of dealing with a life crisis beforehand, confronting it is something completely different. If there is only one thing you will want to remember when you are in the middle of it: things do get better, and there is a way out.
Inner View 